The Narcissist Among Us!
A narcissist is someone who shows strong patterns of self-centeredness, excessive need for admiration, lack of empathy, and an inflated sense of importance.
The term comes from the psychological concept of narcissism, but people often use it casually to describe someone who is manipulative, arrogant, or emotionally exploitative.
I always wondered when I was younger, why two people from the same family who grew up in the same household, were exposed to very similar abuse by the same individual could turn out to be two very different adults.
As an adult this drove me to research as, I needed answers and the answer I found was, we are all born with a temperament!
Your probably thinking what does that mean?
What is a temperament?
Temperament refers to a person’s natural, inborn style of thinking, feeling, and behaving.
It is the basic emotional and behavioural “foundation” someone is born with, and it often shows up early in life.
For example, some people naturally tend to be: - Calm and easy going - Energetic and outgoing - Sensitive and cautious - Quick to react emotionally
Temperament influences things like: - Mood - Activity level - Sociability - Emotional responses - Adaptability to change
In psychology, temperament is considered different from personality:
Temperament - is more biological and innate and cannot be changed. Personality- develops over time through experiences, environment, and learning.
Finally I had my answer, why two people can turn out so different, because at their core their temperament was fundamentally different.
This became all to apparent with myself and my little sister, both from the same home and similar circumstances within that home but due to being born with different temperaments, our home environment and childhood conditions developed our personalities very differently.
My core temperament was empathy, love, understanding, kindness, generosity and trying to find the joy and learning in everything I do.
My sisters was that of a darker nature, her foundation and temperament was that of manipulation, lying, cunning & psychopathic tendencies, people and animals mean nothing to her, they are a means to an end.
My Story
I remember as a child I grew up on a farm until I was 10 years old and I loved it.
We mostly lived off the land, I didn't feel like I had a care in the world and I was a pretty happy child.
However one day my mum said to me "Jody your old enough now, you need to learn how to kill a sheep, it will help you be able to provide for yourself when you get older."
Now I was the kind of kid that named all of our animals, they would disappear from time to time but never once did it register with me that it was because they were being bred for us to eat!
I was, I think about seven or eight years old, so you can imagine I was a bit naïve.
So my mum brings out the lamb that I had named Bam Bam, I screamed "No mum not Bam Bam." but she insisted Bam Bam would be easy to learn on.
God I still remember the feeling, I felt like I was going to be sick, I was crying and I wanted to run away.
I remember praying my dad would come home from work and stop me from having to do this, but he didn't.
My mum crouched behind me and said, "Make sure the knife is very sharp and you don't hesitate, cut fast and deep, you don't want the animal to suffer ."
I could feel the sick lump in my throat, I could barley see through my tears, but in that moment, I looked up and my little sister was standing there and I remember it so vividly because of her expression, she wasn't horrified, she wasn't crying, she looked what I thought was happy.
I looked at my mum pleading, please don't make me do this, I could see tears in my mums eye's as she held my shaking hand and said "You live on a farm, I'm sorry you need to learn this."
As she held my hand and slid the knife across Bam Bam's throat, I felt Bam Bam fall and as I ran away to be sick, I heard my sister let out a little laugh and I heard my mum say, "Taking an animals life isn't funny, for us it's so you can have food on the table."
I remember having nightmare's for weeks and refusing to eat meat for the longest time but my little sister was simply unaffected, I knew even at age eight that was weird and not right.
Unbeknownst to me that was my first introduction to a malignant narcissist!
When I was ten my dad died suddenly, my whole world as I knew it came crashing down!
I was for awhile angry at my dad how dare you leave me, did you not love me enough?
Not long after I lost my father, my mum introduced a new man into our lives, I was sure god was punishing me for being angry at my dad.
I would pray to my dad every night to say I was sorry.
This man, I believed was the devil reincarnated, my innocent childhood was suddenly a living hell.
We got kicked off our farm, we moved from house to house.
We lived in a small town, when questions started being asked why we wore long sleeves in summer, why was I so withdrawn, why were we so thin, we moved towns.
Every time questions started getting asked we would move towns again, each time the town would be slightly bigger.
I became numb, shut off, my soul was dying!
Finally at age thirteen I was rescued and placed in foster care, my brother and two of my sisters were also placed in care.
In those day's narcissism and Narcissistic people were unknown, they existed obviously but they were not diagnosed and not a lot was known about it in psychology.
Again unbeknownst to me, my step father was also a malignant narcissist with psychopathic traits.
I kept blaming myself, I kept thinking I had done something wrong!
My first foster home was weird, they were mentally damaged people, who really should never have become carers at all, but in my mind they were still better than where I had come from.
Finally my Doc's officer moved me to the same home as my little sister.
I just kept going from one hell to another hell, I was getting therapy but I didn't speak in therapy as I was scared of being blamed for my situation.
I had made good friends in school, who told me what was happening wasn't my fault and it wasn't normal, but I didn't believe them.
My new home had two biological kids and my little sister.
I was quiet, I kept to myself, I did what I was told but they seemed to resent me and hate me, I couldn't understand why.
I began to hate and resent myself, why couldn't I just be like everyone else.
Then every time I was at home, my foster mum locked me in my room the whole time, I just didn't understand.
What was wrong with me!
I begged to be let out, my stuffed toy's became my friends, I would talk to my dad a lot, while he may not haven been in front of me, I felt his presence around me.
I truly believe it's one of the things that kept me going, that and my promise that I would grow up and I would make sure I brought joy to peoples lives and I would help them, I would never make someone feel the way I was currently feeling.
Finally I'd missed so much school as I was locked in a room, that my friends parents informed Docs and I was checked on and was rescued again.
I remember thinking please let the next home love me, please let it be a safe please.
I was placed in the home with my best friend and they became foster carers so I could stay with them.
They saved my life!
They showed me what genuine love was, that didn't require a payment in some way for it.
They made me feel safe to be a child, they got me the help I so desperately needed but wasn't ready to accept.
It was the first home I didn't encounter a narcissist, only, love, understanding and empathy, it was foreign to me but I finally began to let me guard down.
It wasn't until years later I think I was twenty five, married and had my own child that my foster parent that locked me in my room, told me she did it because my little sister had convinced the whole family that I was beating her, she had bruises and she was so manipulative and innocent looking, they just believed her.
It wasn't until years later, they realised she had been hitting herself, stealing and so much more, they felt so much regret for what they had put me through.
Because I never fought, I never asked why are you doing this, I was just submissive and did what I was told, they assumed I was guilty.
It upset me greatly as I couldn't understand how they didn't see I wasn't a violent person, but I just didn't realise at the time how much of a hold a narcissist could have over people.
As I got older, I wasn't healing, I couldn't seem to find the right therapist.
I had an amazing daughter and a husband that tried so very hard to understand and support me, I had some great friends and I enjoyed my work, but I was broken!
I kept letting narcissistic people into my life and I didn't know that's what I was doing, I didn't know how vulnerable I was to narcissist's.
Every community I joined, I was driven to help others but I never stopped to truly help myself to come to the realisation that I wasn't healed, I was vulnerable and if I stayed unhealed and vulnerable, I was doomed to repeat the same cycle over and over again.
The guilt I held inside and honestly still do for the impact my depression and unhealed soul had on my husband and daughter damn near destroyed me.
Finally my marriage broke down, I had to be on my own for the first time in twenty two years, what I didn't realise was I'd been isolating myself emotionally for many years prior to that.
Thankfully I still remained friends with my ex husband, he is an absolutely awesome human being, who still to this day is my biggest cheerleader and support.
My daughter is a rock star, who has stood by me. even in my weakest and toughest moments, gave me so tough love but always love and understanding and great advice even when I wasn't ready to hear it.
So here I am on my own for the first time, I did have a great friends network who helped keep me on my feet, I was part of a community which I loved, it was owned by a person who I thought was one of my closest friends but would soon abandon me.
I also had someone who I thought was one of my closest friends, ended up being a vulnerable narcissist......wholly shit Jody what are you doing!
Again, I didn't know that's what this person was at the time.
I also didn't know I had CPTSD or sever abandonment issues.
Finally I started seeing a therapist who I really connected with, who gave me space to speak, who didn't just want to medicate me, which I always refused medication as I believed I didn't need a bandaid solution, I needed help to heal.
When I found this therapist, I started to find me, I started to love myself, I began to have a good sense of self, it was at this time I was asked to leave the community that I loved and I was devasted, I was lost and I didn't understand why but I had support and I had also started doing my own research and healing at home as well as therapy.
I was still in a friendship with the vulnerable narcissist and I was trauma bonded to them and in limerence, omg, it was a nightmare and a cycle that I didn't think I was ever going to break.
Thankfully I did the work with the support of therapy, family and friends and I broke the limerence and after this friend got into a relationship and blocked me, I was able to break the trauma bond.
I then truly started my healing journey.
I found a new community but I was now armed with a great sense of self, a knowledge of what to look for in a narcissist and I guess I had on a bit of an armour, which at the time I needed until I was strong enough to never be the kind of vulnerable that allows a narcissist to take advantage of me again.
It takes work everyday and I am still on my healing journey but I am at a place now, where I keep my cup full, I'm still driven to help others but not because I feel sorry for them but because I have learned so much myself that I want to pass on my knowledge to help others find their peace and their sense of self.
I can honestly say now, the only narcissist's I have in my life are ones I have to deal with at work but the only time I give them, is my customer service and nothing more and that has become a hard line for me.
I unapologetically stand my ground and I have become I guess a little fierce in protecting the woman I am growing into and that has been a hard journey but I am so proud of how far I have come and I continually learn and self reflect to ensure I am not becoming to armoured up or to vulnerable.
I am here to tell you if you are currently in a narcissistic relationship and that relationship can be with a family member, a friend or a romantic partner and you find you can't currently leave that situation, keep reading, below is some information that will hopefully help you understand and armour up to deal with the narcissist you can't currently leave.
Firstly a great resource for understanding Narcissism is Dr Ramani - doctor-ramani.com/connect-with-me
Before I give you the break down of the different narcissists, I want to give you some advice that really resonated with me from Dr Ramani that will help you deal with a narcissist, toxic and volatile personalities.
The main thing you need to remember a narcissist won't change!
The D.E.E.P technique
Developed by clinical psychologist and narcissism expert Dr. Ramani Durvasula, it is a highly effective communication strategy for managing interactions with narcissistic or highly toxic individuals.
It helps protect your peace by preventing them from manipulating you.
The acronym D.E.E.P stands for:
- Don't Defend: Do not attempt to counter accusations or clear your name. Narcissists often shift blame or use this to gaslight you.
- Don't Engage: Avoid taking their bait, getting drawn into circular arguments, or engaging in deep, authentic sharing.
- Don't Explain: Do not waste energy explaining your intentions, boundaries, or feelings.
They are committed to misunderstanding you, and explaining only invites debate.
- Don't Personalize: Realize that their behaviour, insults, and outbursts are about their ego, shame, and need for control—not about your character or worth.
The technique is designed to give you concrete boundaries.
By refusing to go "DEEP," you avoid giving them the emotional reaction they desire and save your psychological bandwidth for your own life.
Psychologists often describe narcissism as a spectrum rather than one single type.
A person can show traits from several categories at once.
Here are the most commonly discussed types of narcissistic patterns:
1. Grandiose Narcissist
Often the stereotype people imagine
Traits:
Highly confident or arrogant
Needs admiration and attention
Feels superior to others
Competitive and status-focused
Can be charming at first
They may appear successful, charismatic, or dominant, but often struggle with empathy and criticism.
2. Vulnerable (Covert) Narcissist
Less obvious than grandiose narcissism.
Traits:
Sensitive to criticism
Quiet entitlement
Victim mentality
Insecure but self-focused
Passive-aggressive behaviour
Craves validation while seeming withdrawn
They may appear shy or anxious while still believing they deserve special treatment.
3. Malignant Narcissist
Considered a more severe and harmful pattern.
Is someone who shows strong narcissistic traits combined with more destructive behaviours such as manipulation, aggression, lack of empathy, and sometimes antisocial or paranoid tendencies.
It’s not an official standalone diagnosis in the DSM-5, but it’s a term commonly used in psychology discussions to describe a particularly toxic or dangerous pattern of narcissism.
Traits:
Manipulative
Cruel or exploitative
Lack of remorse
Aggression or sadism
Paranoia
Enjoys control or domination
This combines narcissistic traits with antisocial tendencies and can be emotionally dangerous in relationships.
Extreme need for control
Manipulation and emotional abuse
Little or no remorse
Enjoyment of power over others
Gaslighting
Cruelty or vindictiveness
Exploiting people for personal gain
Rage when criticized or challenged
Lack of empathy
Paranoia or suspicion of others
People describing relationships with malignant narcissists often report cycles of:
Charm or idealization
Control and manipulation
Devaluation
Punishment, intimidation, or emotional harm
Common behaviours
Examples might include:
Lying easily without guilt
Turning people against each other
Using fear, shame, or guilt to control others
Punishing people for independence
Playing the victim while harming others
Intentionally humiliating others
Difference from “regular” narcissism
A grandiose narcissist may mainly seek admiration and attention.
A malignant narcissist often goes further by:
Wanting dominance and control
Enjoying emotional destruction
Being intentionally exploitative or cruel
Important note
You cannot reliably diagnose someone from a few behaviour's alone.
Terms like “malignant narcissist” are often overused online, especially after difficult relationships.
If someone consistently leaves you feeling:
emotionally unsafe,
controlled,
manipulated,
confused,
fearful,
or chronically diminished,
those patterns matter regardless of the label.
This type of narcissist is about as close to a psychopath as you can get.
4. Communal Narcissist
Seeks admiration through being seen as “good” or helpful.
Traits:
Wants recognition for kindness or morality
“Look how caring/selfless I am”
Uses generosity for validation
Can become angry if not appreciated
They may present themselves as especially spiritual, charitable, or emotionally intelligent.
5. Cerebral Narcissist
Builds superiority around intelligence or knowledge.
Traits:
Looks down on others intellectually
Needs to appear smart or educated
Corrects or lectures people often
Ties self-worth to intellect
6. Somatic Narcissist
Focuses superiority around appearance or physical image.
Traits:
Obsessed with attractiveness, fitness, or sex appeal
Constant need for admiration about looks
Uses appearance/status to gain validation
7. Antagonistic Narcissist
Centred around rivalry and dominance.
Traits:
Argumentative
Competitive
Distrustful
Enjoys “winning”
May belittle others to feel powerful
I truly hope this helps you understand it's not your fault and help is available for you to leave or come to terms with a narcissistic person.
Love and empathy Jody xx
