Living in survival mode!
When hypervigilance starts affecting your mental health.
What is survival mode?
Survival mode is not simply "being anxious." It's often a whole-body pattern where the nervous system acts as though protection is the highest priority.
Living in survival mode after childhood abuse means that your mind and body learned to prioritize safety over everything else.
The adaptations that helped you cope as a child can continue into adulthood, even when the original danger is no longer present.
What is Hypervigilance?
Hypervigilance is a state of being constantly alert and on edge, as if you’re always scanning for danger—even when there’s no immediate threat.
It’s like your brain’s “alarm system” is turned up too high and doesn’t switch off.
PTSD and CPTSD, what's the difference?
Both Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) are trauma-related conditions, but they usually develop from different kinds of trauma and can affect people in different ways.
PTSD is often connected to what happened, often an incident that happen once.
PTSD- Often develops after a single traumatic event
CPTSD is often connected to what repeated trauma changed inside a person over time.
CPTSD- Usually develops after long-term or repeated trauma.
My Story
I honestly feel like my survival mode started at age ten after the loss of my father. Having lived a pretty sheltered life prior to the loss of my dad, now I was faced with no dad and a poverty I didn't think existed.
We were never rich but we never went without and then suddenly here I was ten years old, dealing with the loss of my dad and not knowing if I'd have food from day to day and then once my step father entered our lives, not knowing if id have food withheld from me from day to day.
I think my body consciously said hey the only way we will get through this is to go into survival mode, I didn't know what that was at the time of course.
But when you spend everyday, every night living terror, your mind and body goes numb and survival mode kicks in.
My mind would say you will be abused today, lets switch off feelings, My body would say let's just survive today.
The abuse happened everyday it was just what type of abuse would it be that day, sexual, physical, verbal or emotion, often it was all.
I knew most of my siblings were enduring the same torment as me but we never spoke of it, we just concentrated on surviving.
I remember barley sleeping, every little noise I would think it was his foot steps into my room, alert just in case I had to go into shutdown mode.
I couldn't tell my Nan, she was also abusing me, the one time I tried to run away, the police took me home, told me not to run away, there are dangerous people out there, in my mind I was like "I'll take my chances out there, rather than face the danger in my own home.
One would think when I was finally rescued and put into foster care, I could relax, the danger was over but no, sadly that's not how it works.
I became incredibly hypervigilant and lived in survival mode, not knowing at the time that I had CPTSD, whilst the immediate violent abuse wasn't there, my step father was still out there and I looked over my shoulder every day, not to mention my first two sets of foster carers were not amazing at all, but alot better than where i'd come from.
I was about sixteen when I was diagnosed with CPTSD, well in those day's it was still called PTSD or a form of, my therapist at the time said i'd grow out of it the more safe I felt.
Yeah right!
I didn't know how to feel safe, I hadn't known safe for a very long time and if I let me guard down, what if my step father found me, what if someone else hurt me?
My foster parents at the time were great and tried to get me help, but I ended up just masking my fears and anxieties and tried to pretend I was normal.
I thought I faked adulthood pretty well, I thought no one noticed that Ipicked certain seats in a room or restaurant where no one could come up behind me, or I designed my house where i knew which windows id fit through and my path to safety and what house hold items I could use as weapons.
I didn't think people noticed that I horded long life food, just in case there was a day I couldn't afford food or my friends needed food.
I slept with a little knife under my pillow, not only so i could defend myself but I now had a family to defend as well.
When id be alone walking to my car or going to the shops, id run over over again in my head my self defence combo's and my sharpest key would be between my fingers ready to lodge into a predators throat.
I thought I hid it all so well.....I didn't, people noticed, my family absolutely noticed.
My hypervigilance absolutely got a little better once I knew my step father had died, but I knew I needed help, I was surviving not living.
I'd started having panic attacks again, being triggered by certain smells, sounds, raised men's voices, drunk men, pubs and bars were very hard for me to enter, so I initially avoided them, turning down birthday party initiations if they were at a bar.
I finally found a therapist I connected to, after my panic attacks became more frequent, we knew my triggers but I needed to not be triggered anymore.
I started researching on my own and doing my own exposure therapy, just little bits here and there, never on my own, always with someone and little by little, the triggers didn't trigger me anymore and the panic attacks had stopped, but it was work everyday and was mentally and emotionally draining but it was better than what hypervigilance was doing to my mental health.
Bars and clubs are no longer an issue for me, unless it's really packed with drunk people, then nope i'm out, but I will get there one day.
Still sometimes men yelling at me automatically makes me cry but I have come along way in regards to that as well and I have little objects i keep with me to help me self regulate, sometimes, I rub my sleeve, I keep a little bluebird in my handbag, which I often hold if I need to self regulate.
I still have along way to go sadly but I am making more progress everyday, I'm now fine with being hugged....and i'm fine saying no to hugs from people who make me feel unsafe.
My hypervigilance and survival mode hasn't been all bad, my gut feeling and reads on people has a fairly high hit ratio, i'm right majority of the time, I can generally meet someone for two minutes and know if they are safe for me or are a bad person, a narcissist or not, I try not to judge that quickly, just in case it's my hypervigilance but nine out of ten times when I get to know them more I am right, so I generally go on my gut feeling but I leave room for being wrong but I leave room will still having my armour on.
I still know which house hold items I can use as weapons and my escape routes at any venue I go to.
It does hinder me a fair bit, I can't go on trips by myself, even driving to see my sister, who is an hour away isn't yet doable for me as I run all the scenarios over in my head, that can put me in danger.
I used to be so anxious to go to even the shops by myself, I'm now ok with that.
I cannot go to a club or event by myself, I'm just not there yet, thankfully I have awesome friends who know my anxieties and will join me.
Even driving to work I map escape routes in my head just in case, I come upon a road rage driver.
I still run self defence combo's in my head every time I leave the house.
Even armed with hypervigilance and self defence combo's it doesn't always stop people from hurting you but it helps me leave the house each day.
CPTSD is a bitch to be honest, the flashbacks are horrible, the nightmares are less frequent thank god, the self doubt is still ever present and the anxiety is fairly horrible, but I do most of the time manage to self regulate and push through it.
I got a job which puts me in pubs and clubs and sometimes conflict situations and I feel I now handle them really well, I may be shaking like a leaf on the inside but I don't let it show and I manage to self regulate and bounce back quiet fast, it helps of course when you love your job and the majority of the people you come in contact with restore your faith in humanity as they are awesome and you work with a boss and team that you know will have your back.
I turn up to that date or event, even though in my head I have cancelled it like sixty times.
I try really hard every day to be a normal functioning adult, I used to people please a lot, just avoid upsetting them or having conflict but I do that a lot less these day's.
Most of the time these day's I have a pretty good handle on it or if I struggle I have tools to help me self regulate, there are still times I need to just leave the situation or event, it's work for me everyday but it's less and less work for me everyday and that's what keeps me pushing on.
Because I know one day CPTSD won't rule how I go about my life and I look forward to that day.
It's tough but I can also see how far I have come, my goal is to not be in survival mode at all anymore, to still have enough hypervigilance to keep me aware, as I think a little is important for everyone.
You know just how far you have come when someone you know surprise hugs you from behind and your gut reaction isn't to throat punch them anymore, that to me is progress and much to the relief to the person hugging you.
If you are suffering from CPTSD, PTSD, if your living in survival mode, don't give up, don't hide away because it's easier.
There is help out there for you, there are a lot of psychological tools that can help, exposure therapy may not work for you but other therapies can.
Reach out, don't be embarrassed or ashamed, there is help out there and support from people going through the similar things.
I used to be so ashamed and try to hide, what I call my quirks but i'm not ashamed anymore, i'm not a victim, I am a survivor and part of being a survivor for me is sharing parts of my story in the hopes of helping others.
Your not alone, live your fullest life by reaching out for that much needed help.
I have attached some more in depth breakdowns of survival mode, hypervigilance, CPTSD and PTSD below.
I truly hope it helps.
Love and empathy
Jody
Further information on survival mode.
Common signs can include:
Constant alertness
Always scanning for signs of conflict, rejection, or danger
Being easily startled
Difficulty relaxing, even in safe environments
Hypervigilance
Emotional survival strategies
People-pleasing to avoid conflict
Hiding emotions or needs
Difficulty trusting others
Feeling responsible for other people's moods
Nervous system effects
Chronic anxiety or tension
Feeling exhausted but unable to switch off
Sleep problems
Strong stress responses to situations others might find manageable
Relationship patterns
Fear of abandonment or rejection
Difficulty setting boundaries
Avoiding intimacy or becoming overly attached
Expecting criticism, betrayal, or conflict
Sense of self
Low self-worth or shame
Feeling like you're never "good enough"
Difficulty identifying your own needs, wants, or preferences
Feeling disconnected from yourself
From a biological perspective, repeated childhood stress can shape how the brain and nervous system respond to the world.
Areas involved in threat detection may become highly sensitive, while the systems responsible for feeling safe and calm may have fewer opportunities to develop normally.
Recovery often involves gradually teaching the mind and body that the present is different from the past.
This can include trauma-informed therapy, supportive relationships, learning emotional regulation skills, and experiences that build a sense of safety.
One thing many people find surprising is that survival mode can look different from person to person.
Some become highly anxious and vigilant, while others become emotionally numb, detached, or disconnected. Both can be responses to chronic childhood trauma.
Hypervigilance explained
People experiencing hypervigilance might:
Feel tense, anxious, or easily startled
Constantly look around or monitor their surroundings
Have trouble relaxing or sleeping
Overreact to small or harmless stimuli (like a noise or movement)
It’s commonly associated with conditions like Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Complex post- Traumatic Stress Disorder, anxiety disorders, or after experiencing trauma or prolonged stress.
In those cases, the brain is trying to protect you by staying prepared—but it can become exhausting and interfere with daily life.
PTSD & CPTSD better explained
Here’s the main difference:
PTSD
Often develops after a single traumatic event
Examples: car accident, assault, natural disaster, combat
PTSD symptoms commonly include:
Flashbacks or intrusive memories
Nightmares
Avoidance of reminders of the trauma
Feeling constantly “on guard”
Strong startle response
Anxiety or panic
CPTSD
Usually develops after long-term or repeated trauma
Examples: childhood abuse, domestic violence, captivity, chronic neglect
Core symptoms include-
fear, flashbacks, nightmares, hypervigilance
Includes PTSD symptoms plus deeper difficulties with identity, emotions, and relationships
Chronic shame or guilt
Feeling “damaged” or worthless
Emotional numbness or intense emotional swings
Difficulty trusting people
Problems maintaining relationships
Feeling disconnected from yourself or others
Persistent sense of danger even in safe situations
CPTSD is recognized in the World Health Organization’s ICD-11 diagnostic system, though not all countries or clinicians use the term the same way.
Treatment for both can include:
Trauma-focused therapy, Exposure therapy
EMDR
Cognitive behavioural therapies
Nervous-system regulation skills
Sometimes medication for anxiety, depression, or sleep issues
Many people with CPTSD benefit from therapy that also focuses on:
Emotional regulation
Boundaries and relationships, rebuilding a stable sense of self, long-term safety and trust.
