Dating in this day and age why do we bother?
So let's start with why do we as humans get lonely or crave affection.
Well from an evolutionary perspective, humans developed strong pair-bonding tendencies because cooperative partnerships increases survival and the chances of successfully raising children.
But while biology helps explain why humans evolved the capacity to form romantic bonds, individuals date for many different reasons.
Some seek a life partner, some want companionship, some enjoy the experience of getting to know people, and others may not feel much desire to date at all.
Sooo let's talk about the age old debate online dating vs meeting organically
Online Dating
Advantages
Larger pool of potential partners than you would normally encounter in daily life.
Ability to meet people outside your immediate social circles.
Can be especially valuable for people over 40, busy professionals, or those living in smaller communities.
Allows some degree of filtering based on shared interests, values, lifestyle, or relationship goals.
Challenges
Choice overload: Too many options can make people less likely to commit.
"Shopping mentality," where people continually wonder if someone better is one swipe away.
Misrepresentation through curated profiles and photos.
Increased likelihood of ghosting and other forms of low-accountability behaviour.
Can become emotionally draining if people experience repeated rejection or disappointing interactions.
Psychological Impact
Research suggests that online dating can increase feelings of hope and possibility, but it can also contribute to burnout, reduced self-esteem, and dating fatigue when matches don't lead to meaningful connections.
Meeting Organically
Advantages
Attraction develops in a more natural context.
You observe a person's behaviour over time rather than relying on self-description.
Shared environments (workplaces, hobbies, volunteering, mutual friends) provide built-in common ground.
Often allows emotional connection to develop alongside physical attraction.
Challenges
Smaller dating pool.
Fewer opportunities to meet compatible partners, especially as people get older.
It may take longer before romantic interest becomes apparent.
Geographic and social limitations can make meeting new people difficult.
Psychological Impact
Organic connections often feel more authentic because they develop through repeated interactions and shared experiences, many people report feeling less pressure than they do on dating apps.
What the Research Shows
Studies generally find that:
Relationship satisfaction is similar regardless of whether couples met online or offline.
Successful long-term relationships emerge from both paths.
Shared values, communication skills, emotional maturity, trust, and commitment predict success far better than the method of meeting.
A Modern Reality
Many people still prefer the idea of meeting organically because it feels more spontaneous and romantic, yet online dating has become one of the most common ways couples meet, especially among adults who are no longer in school or surrounded by large social networks.
Online dating expands your opportunities; organic dating deepens opportunities that already exist.
Neither method guarantees a healthy relationship.
The strongest predictor of relationship success is not where two people meet, but whether they build trust, emotional safety, shared values, and genuine connection once they do.
That perspective avoids portraying one approach as superior and focuses on what ultimately matters: the quality of the relationship that follows.
I honestly don't have a lot of experience with dating and the experience I do have hasn't been great lol but let me share my dating story thus far.
My Story
As I said above I don't have a lot of dating experience thus far, I have been on a few dates and I see my friends go on a lot of dates and they seem to do it with ease, they aren't scared that their date could possibly be dangerous, they go home with them and take them home, even after one date, I can't personally do that. Obviously my past has an impact the way I approach my dating life.
It takes me a lot to go on a date, but if I commit to a date, I do always go.
I crap myself like nothing else beforehand but I put my make-up on, do my hair and look the best i can, so you can imagine the disappointment, when you get stood up.
Omgosh this has happened to me a couple of times, one time the guy was standing right outside the restaurant and messaged telling me he was sorry he wasn't mentally ready for a date and of course I was like that's ok but inside I was frustrated and super disappointed because it feels like they don't value your time and you think something is wrong with you.
Then you don't want to put yourself out there again, this guy ended up messaging wanting a second chance but I just couldn't do it, I said no.
A few dates I have been on have just been laughable, it's been over a year since these dates, so I'll tell them to the best of my recollection.
Usually when I'm about to go on a date, I choose the location for the first date, this is for my own comfort and keep my anxiety at bay.
So on this date I chose the location, a café i was really familiar with I always arrive early, it's just who I am.
We had talked a bit on line over a couple of day's but id rather just get the first date over with lol to see if there is genuine connection.
So he arrives, sits down, we order food start chatting and he starts talking about his ex who just dumped him i think three weeks prior, now this guy was clearly not over her at all, so i was already at a nope towards this guy but thought maybe I can help him a bit by just listening.
So I'm listening to him, apparently she dumped him out of nowhere, so we were breaking that down when he gets a text from her, he told me and said he won't be disrespectful and respond while on a date with me.
I told him to forget we were on a date and instead pretend we are friends just catching up, you are clearly still in love with this girl, so please read the message.
He read the message and told me she said, she missed him and she only dumped him as she couldn't cope with dating atm after just loosing i think it was her grandmother, but she just wanted him to know it wasn't him and that she missed him.
He read the message to me, now guy's in my head i was like gf you need help, but instead i asked him how it made him feel, he said sad and annoyed that she didn't think he would support her through that.
He said he wasn't going to reply, I was like you are totes going to reply.
I told him to say he was really sorry for her loss and sorry that she was going through so much grief, that he understood that it is a very overwhelming time.
He told her if she needed anything please let him know, even if she just needed a friend and he was sending her hugs.
She responded with I could use a hug in real life please.
He told me he would respond to that later, I was like ah do you want to be back with this person, if the answer is yes, then you respond with I'd love to give you a hug in person and you get your ass over there and once you help her through her loss and grief, subtly make it known you are not about an on and off relationship you are in it for all the ups and downs.
He said he felt bad for leaving me, I was like go dude go, he left.
I had told the waitress who i knew from being a regular, that I was about to have a date and that I was nervous, so she had been hovering around, at the point that he left she came over and sat a poo emoji cookie Infront of me, she was like that's for the shit date you just had.
The cookie was delicious btw but i didn't feel like it was a shitty date, just wasn't what I think either of us expected but to my knowledge they are still together, so that's something.
Another date I went on, again I arrived at the café early, I sat outside, I see this guy walking up, looking at me and he had no shirt on, in my head i was like please don't be my date please don't be my date, yep he was my date.
Asks if I'm Jody, I wanted to say no but I said yep, I asked why he had no shirt on and he was like I wanted you to see the goods, that's when I realised he also had no teeth!
I knew straight away he wasn't not my person, just the way he spoke, the way he held himself, I mean who doesn't wear a shirt to a date at a cafe and no teeth was a bit of a shock, he said he was in between getting false teeth and that he lost them due to past that drug use!
I just said look I asked you before I agreed to go on a date if you had any drug history, gambling etc and you said no, I'm sorry but you lied im going to leave right now and i just got up and left.
I just felt like an idiot, how did i not pick up in his writing that he was super rough and ready, which is fine but just not for me and call me old fashioned or whatever but wear a shirt to a cafe please. it was a complete waste of my time and energy.
So I went home slightly annoyed but honestly at this stage not surprised.
Ok Ill tell you about one more date, there were a few but I don't remember most of them and a few were dangerous and i don't want to talk about those atm.
Soo anyone who knows me, knows I'm not a morning person, but it's Christmas time and my date wanted to do early morning coffee and a walk on beach, so the actual date it's self went ok, he wasn't my person but it went ok, was about to leave and he says right i'm off to my next date and tries to kiss me, I pulled back and said yeah we're not doing that, it was nice to meet you, enjoy your next date and Merry Christmas and I left.
If these dates had taught me anything, I was learning to be assertive in what i would and wouldn't accept.
I then get a text Christmas day, Merry Christmas, my lunch date went really well, she stayed the night but now i can't get her to leave my house, any ideas on how to get her to leave.
Needless to say i did not respond and blocked his number, are you kidding mate.
I at this stage was pretty much exhausted by the whole dating experience but I went to a speed dating event, as my friend asked me to go.
It was run well but, one guy told me my eye's freaked him out, so don't look at him, another guy said i was out of his league so we may as well not talk, another guy talked about sneakers the whole time, I walked away mentally exhausted and pretty shit tbh.
It felt like id just been judged the whole time and look I get it we are judging to a degree when on those first few dates, we are trying to determine if this person is someone we want to give our valuable time to but i didn't even get to speak to any of these men and whilst I knew I didn't have connection with any of them, i would have been ok using the time to chat and maybe make a friend but they didn't even get a chance to do that.
Needless to say I left that experience, slightly amused by the shit out there and just deflated by being openly judged.
I wasn't going to let one bad experience at an event fully deter me, so I went to a barefoot bowls singles event, it was a fun time, i had my friend with me, there no one i wanted to date or even had a connection to but some good people went and bowling was fun.
I honestly haven't really gone on many other dates, people tell me all the time, Jody you need to take chances put yourself out there.
I guess my question is why?
Why do i need to put myself out there, I'm happy, I'm not lonely, I'm not completely against meeting anyone, I'm just not openly putting myself out there atm.
I honestly needed a break, my work is really busy and I am working on just putting myself out there to even make friends, which I find it incredibly hard these day's to make genuine friends, i find for a lot of people it's very transactional and that's just not how i work.
I don't want to become jaded, i have been through a lot already, so I needed a timeout.
I get told we're not getting any younger, maybe you need to compromise on what you want and settle for what there is, yeah no i'm not settling, i'm fairly content on my own, so unless someone is helping keep my cup full then I will stay on my own and i am ok with that.
I have found as i am guessing other people have also, you can be anyone behind a key board, it's really hard to get to genuinely know if someone is being organically who they are by there online presence, as I found out they were not once I met majority of my dates in person.
A few things to think about when going on a date for the first time, i don't know about you guy's but i think talking about your ex's non stop is a no go.
Also as sad as Domestic Violence is and believe me i'm not minimising the effect it has on people, bringing it up on the first date, shows me your not healed yet and for that I am sorry but maybe going on dates right now isn't the right thing for you.
For me the first date is definitely about getting to know the person, likes, dislikes etc, to see if you are on the same wave length, generally you can tell by the vibe of the person if you want to get to know them more, i am clearly not an expert at this, it's purely just my opinion and from my limited experience.
So in conclusion dating in this day and age why bother?
We bother because we want to connect, it may not always be a romantic connection but you may end up making some awesome friends in the process, we do have that pair bonding urge and we want to feel i guess cherished and loved.
I need to still have faith in humanity and that there are absolutely amazing people out there and honestly i still believe the amazing people out weigh the shit people.
Who knows what the future holds, I am open but I'm not actively looking atm but I am open to come what may.
So to finish up, I have a little info on the science of healthy relationship benefits vs unhealthy relationships.
Let's get down to the science a little bit.
What are the health benefits of being in a relationship?
Research consistently shows that healthy, supportive relationships can have significant benefits for both physical and mental health.
Mental and Emotional Benefits:
Reduced stress: Having someone you trust can lower stress levels and help you cope with life's challenges.
Lower rates of depression and anxiety: Emotional support and a sense of belonging can protect against mental health difficulties.
Greater resilience: People in supportive relationships often recover more effectively from setbacks, loss, and trauma.
Improved self-esteem: Feeling valued and accepted by a partner can strengthen self-worth.
Less loneliness: Social connection is one of the strongest protective factors for psychological well-being.
Physical Health Benefits
Lower blood pressure: Studies have found that people in satisfying relationships often have healthier cardiovascular markers.
Stronger immune function: Chronic loneliness and stress can weaken immunity, while supportive relationships may help buffer those effects.
Better sleep: Feeling emotionally secure can improve sleep quality.
Healthier habits: Partners often encourage each other to exercise, eat well, attend medical appointments, and reduce risky behaviours.
Faster recovery from illness: Social support is associated with better recovery outcomes after illness or surgery.
Brain and Hormone Effects
Positive relationships can influence hormones and neurotransmitters, including:
Oxytocin ("bonding hormone"), associated with trust, connection, and reduced stress responses.
Dopamine, is released, which is involved in motivation, pleasure, and reward.
Lower cortisol, the body's primary stress hormone, when relationships are secure and supportive.
Longevity
Some studies suggest that people with strong, meaningful relationships tend to live longer than those who are socially isolated. The quality of the relationship matters more than simply being partnered.
An Important Caveat
The benefits come from healthy relationships, not relationships in general. Relationships characterized by chronic conflict, emotional abuse, manipulation, or instability can have the opposite effect—raising stress, worsening mental health, and negatively impacting physical health.
A useful way to think about it is that the health benefit isn't just having a partner; it's having a relationship where you feel safe, supported, understood, and valued. Those factors appear to be what drive many of the positive outcomes.
So what's the impact on your health, when your in an unhealthy relationship?
Mental Health Effects
Chronic Stress
When a relationship is marked by conflict, unpredictability, criticism, or emotional neglect, the body can remain in a heightened state of alertness. This ongoing stress can lead to:
Anxiety
Irritability
Difficulty concentrating
Emotional exhaustion
Feelings of helplessness
Depression
People in unhealthy relationships often report:
Persistent sadness
Loss of interest in activities
Reduced self-esteem
Hopelessness about the future
Hypervigilance
Particularly in relationships involving emotional abuse, manipulation, or betrayal, individuals may become hypervigilant—constantly scanning for signs of conflict, rejection, or danger. Over time, this can resemble living in "survival mode."
Increased Risk of Trauma Symptoms
Long-term exposure to emotionally damaging relationship dynamics can contribute to symptoms associated with trauma, including:
Intrusive thoughts
Emotional numbness
Difficulty trusting others
Relationship anxiety
Symptoms similar to complex trauma in some individuals
Physical Health Effects
Elevated Cortisol
Chronic relationship stress can keep cortisol levels elevated, which may contribute to:
Fatigue
Weight gain
Sleep disturbances
Increased inflammation
Cardiovascular Effects
Research has linked high-conflict relationships with:
Higher blood pressure
Increased heart rate
Greater risk factors for cardiovascular disease
Sleep Problems
People in distressed relationships commonly experience:
Insomnia
Frequent waking
Poor sleep quality
Night-time rumination
Immune System Impacts
Long-term stress can weaken immune functioning, potentially making individuals more susceptible to illness and slowing recovery from injury or infection.
Behavioural Effects
Unhealthy relationships can also influence behaviour in ways that affect health:
Increased alcohol or substance use
Emotional eating or loss of appetite
Reduced exercise
Social withdrawal
Neglecting medical care
The "Loneliness While Together" Effect
One of the most significant findings in relationship research is that feeling emotionally disconnected while in a relationship can be more distressing than being single.
People may experience:
Isolation despite companionship
Reduced sense of belonging
Emotional loneliness
Lower life satisfaction
You might summarize it this way:
Relationships act as a health amplifier.
Healthy relationships can reduce stress, improve emotional wellbeing, and support physical health. Unhealthy relationships can do the opposite, creating chronic stress that affects the mind, body, and behaviour over time.
The greatest health benefit comes not from simply being in a relationship, but from being in one that is emotionally safe, supportive, and respectful.
That distinction—relationship quality versus relationship status—is one of the most important findings in modern relationship and health research.
Ok peeps thankyou for reading or listening, i hope this blog reassures you that you are not alone in this crazy world of dating.
Much love and empathy
Jody x
