The Grief Within!
Often people relate grief and loss as the same thing, it's a common misconception that is simply not true.
The difference between Loss, Grief and Grieving.
Loss:
Loss is the event or change itself—the thing that has been taken away.
Examples:
Death of a loved one
End of a relationship
Loss of a job
Grief:
Grief is the internal emotional, psychological, physical, and spiritual response to a loss.
Common grief reactions include:
Sadness
Anger
Guilt
Anxiety
Loneliness
Numbness
Difficulty concentrating
Physical symptoms such as fatigue or changes in appetite
Grief is what you feel.
Grieving
Grieving is the process of adapting to and coping with the loss and the grief it creates.
Examples:
Talking about the loss
Crying
Reflecting on memories
Seeking support
Creating new routines
Finding meaning after the loss
Grieving is what you do (consciously or unconsciously) as you adjust to the loss.
Simple Example
If someone loses a close friend:
Loss = The friend's death.
Grief = The sadness, shock, anger, and longing they feel.
Grieving = The ongoing process of mourning, remembering the friend, and learning to live with the absence.
A useful way to remember it is:
Loss = the event
Grief = the reaction
Grieving = the process of adaptation
My Story
My earliest memory of feeling loss, of feeling grief and grieving was loosing my grandmother, my father's mum.
I was about five years old, yet I still remember it vividly.
My Grandmother had cancer, I wasn't told a lot, I just knew she was really sick for a very long time.
One day my mum and dad took us all in to my Grandma and poppy's house, there were lot's of people and we had to line up, dad said it's time to say goodbye.
I didn't know what he meant I thought Grandma was going on a trip to see a better Dr, when it was our turn, I remember her looking so frail and so pale, we were told to tell her we love her and will miss her.
I told Grandma what I was meant to say and then told her I hope your new Dr makes you feel better, she smiled at me faintly.
The next day we were told Grandma went to heaven, again I had zero idea what heaven was, so I asked if the Dr there was going to make Grandma better, my dad was crying and said no Grandma has died, we won't be able to see her anymore.
I knew what dyeing meant as id lost animals and it made me very sad.
I knew when people died you would never see them again.
My dad was sad for along time as was poppy, I was sad but being so young, i'm not entirely sure I grasped the concept of grief and went on with being a kid.
It was only when we saw poppy id get this pang in my heart of where is my Grandma and then id remember heaven took her away.
Five years passed and being a kid you get on with life, you grieve very different to that of an adult, but being now ten years old and knowing, love, hope and what death truly was, I was still not equipped to handle the loss I was about to suffer.
At tens years old my dad became quiet sick for a few weeks, my mum took him to the Dr and they said he had the flu, but no flu id ever see my dad have before made him cough up blood.
I knew even at ten, something wasn't right.
Dad was so weak and I was used to seeing him so strong, id sit beside him and read him stories or tell him what the chickens had been up to that day.
My dad wasn't big on showing emotions but I remember the day he died, I was sitting beside him chatting away about the chickens and that the rooster got out and I had to chase it down, when suddenly I felt dads hand on my shoulder.
He said hey little fairy (my dad used to call me fairy) I love you, your going to grow up and do amazing things, just keep being your fun loving self, promise me you will grow up and be good to others and live a full life ok.
In my little sing song voice, I was like of course I will daddy and you will see me I will be racing all the horsies (at the time I wanted to be a jockey).
My dad did little laugh, he said "Fairy I'm just going to close my eye's for a minute.
I still sat there watching my dad for what seemed like a long time, until my mum called me for dinner.
At dinner I asked my mum, will dad be ok?
She said of course he will and I felt reassured.
It was 2am and I was awoken by mum, my sisters and my brother were awake, my nan was at the house but I couldn't see my dad.
I wasn't fully awake yet, mum told us all to sit down, I could see she had been crying.
She told us, she was taking my dad to hospital and he bent over the bucket to vomit and he never got back up.
I asked my mum, did you help him up?
She began to cry and said, your dad has died.
I was so angry at my mum, she said he would be fine!
She then said people will be coming over soon, the house needs to be ready.
I had just been told my father, my hero had died and you want me to vacuumed the damn floor, but I vacuumed the floor.
The next week was a blur, I went from being angry at my dad for leaving me, to hating my mum for lying to me, to absolutely hating the Dr who miss diagnosed him, an ulcer is very different to the flu, coughing up blood should have told you that and believe me even at ten years old I knew this.
We weren't allowed to go to my dads funeral and I don't think I ever forgave my mum for not allowing me to go, it pro longed my grief, because I didn't see my dad in the coffin, because i was denied saying goodbye, I sat in denial for a very long time, thinking my dad would come back.
Kids at school would tease me because I didn't have a dad, I cried myself to sleep every night.
After my dads funeral we were sent to my Aunties in Toowomba for a few months, I love my Aunty, she had a bakery and she always seemed so glamorous, I tried to live for my dad, but everyday was a struggle, the pain in my heart just wasn't going away, i was scared id forget what he looked like or the sound of his voice.
When we got back home, my mum already had a new man living in my dads house and he was evil!
My dads pictures had all been taken down, WTF mum, I can't get through a day without crying and your just fine.
Of course it wouldn't be for another twenty years before I'd realise my mum, absolutely wasn't fine and was masking her grief by being a practical griever.
Still to this day thirty six years later I miss my dad, I still cry when I hear the song Rhinestone cowboy, Baby blue or Daddy don't you walk so fast.
The grief never goes away, it hits you unexpectedly at times but the grieving process helps you deal with the loss a little better everyday.
I still miss my dad everyday.
I was about Fifteen and still in foster care, when we were told my nan had died (my mums mum)
I remember having mixed feelings about my nans death as she was very abusive towards me between the age of ten and thirteen,
The last memory I had of her was that of pure torture, I was told I had to stay the night at my nans and I really didn't want to, if I wasn't at home, my stepfather would abuse my siblings, I had to stay home, so the abuse on them would be less.
My nan however forced me into the passenger seat, my little sister (the malignant narcissist in the back seat).
I was crying hysterically, "Nan please I don't want to go to your place"
My nan punched me in the eye and tied my hair to the steering wheel so I couldn't move.
I thought I was going to loose all of my hair.
I was accustomed to being punched, so oddly the pain in my eye barley registered, but the fact that my nan was the abuser this time, meant nowhere in my family was safe.
We got to her house and she dragged me out of the car while my little sister skipped beside me, I was locked in the bedroom, no food, no water for the night.
I cried myself to sleep begging and praying to my dad to save me.
The next day I went to school, black eye, bruised scalp and wrists, the teachers asked what happened, I told them what my nan did, hoping they would save me.
The told me to catch the bus home instead of going to my nans.
I knew going home early I was going to be in for a beating but at least my siblings might be spared, my mum was horrified at what my nan had done, she got me to hide behind the door while she told my step father, he was angry that I had disobeyed him but angrier that my nan had left marks that could be seen.
He didn't hit me that night as he was worried the school would call the police and we would get a visit, we didn't, no one came.
So here I was now at fifteen, sitting on the school oval, reliving my last memory of my nan, angry at myself for crying over a cruel woman, but she wasn't always that way and I tried to remember those times instead of the last time I was with her.
So with a Docs escort we went to the funeral, it's weird I don't remember my nans funeral, I remember George, he was my nans estranged partner that lived in a van on her property, she was always very mean to him but he was always very kind to us, I remember George being at the funeral and being told David (my stepfather) was currently in jail and couldn't get to us as the funeral was in our home town where he lived, but my nans actual funeral I have blocked out and I could never understand why.
I remember unlike loosing my dad, I thought I moved through my grief for my nan a lot faster, I think my episodic memories of her were just to damaged and the trauma was to great that I blocked it out and got on with life and unlike my dad who will be ever present in my autobiographical memory with fondness and love and happiness, my nan sadly just did too much damage to me in those three years that I can't give her a place in my happy memory space.
I still remember her smell, her face and I do forgive her.
At seventeen I'm still in foster care but finally with an awesome family, I was loving my life and preparing for my future.
One day I get a phone call that would throw me straight back into loss, grief and grieving.
My baby sister who remained with my mum as she was my step fathers biological child and was never abused.
I can't even remember who called me, it is a complete blur, but the words your sister has been killed in a car crash will be forever engrained in my memory.
I was numb, she didn't have a seat belt on.
Why didn't she have a seat belt on!
I was angry at my mum but there is no amount of anger that I had in my soul, that would ever amount to the anger, guilt and grief my mum was feeling.
As the car rolled, she watched her little girl get sucked out the window and getting out of the car which was on it's roof only to discover your little girl was under the car and not being strong enough to lift the car off her, knowing in that moment your little girl was gone.
My mum wasn't driving but I was angry at her more so than the driver.
I wish still to this day, they hadn't told me scene by scene what had happened, it played over and over in my mind for years.
I tried to not show my grief, I tried to hide it, the loss made me feel sick everyday, I kept seeing her little innocent face and I couldn't comprehend why she didn't have a seat belt one dumb decision on a country road, because they were just going up the road, resulted in the loss of my baby sister.
I blamed myself, if I had of just been there, I would have put her belt on!
I was numb at the funeral, my mum seemed to be just a shell, the anger I had for dissipated into empathy and sorrow, I could see the regret, the shame, the absolute sadness in her eye's no one could ever punish her more than she already punished herself.
I remember the first three years of Lisa's life I helped raise her, getting up for her nightly feeds and holding her hand as she fell asleep.
Her little cheeky smile is still so fresh in my mind, for years after I carried a lock of her hair with me, I was then told it was weird by a therapist, so instead I put it in the very first book I had poem published in for safe keeping.
Still when I see a little girl that looks like her or a giggle from a child, it takes me back.
When my own daughter was born years later, they looked so alike, but instead of sadness it brought me joy and pure love and healing.
I thought I had learned to live with all my grief by living for those I had lost.
Life was good, I had my own little family and we were doing well.
It was my husband at the times birthday, we had just had a beautiful baby girl and she was amazing, we were planning our day for Michaels's birthday, when I received a phone call from my mum.
My brother, his fiancée, their unborn baby and his fiancée's mum were killed in a car crash in Sydney.
I dropped to my knees.
I couldn't comprehend it, he was doing so well, about to get married and have a little bubba and in an instant the driver his fiancées dumb father ran a red light and they were hit by a truck, the only survivors were the truck driver and the driver of my brothers car.
Unfrigging believable, I truly started to think, I was being punished to keep being hit by such great losses.
I just couldn't function and it was my husband at the times birthday, so his birthday was also ruined by grief and our loss.
I didn't blame the truck driver, he couldn't stop and he would be traumatised by this for the rest of his life, in an instant four lives just gone.
We went to the funeral, I was numb, I didn't really interact with anyone, we also had the added fear that my stepfather would come to the funeral but thankfully the local police found a reason to lock him up for the day.
In that moment I decided for the sake of my husband and my daughter id push the grief down and bottle it up.
I couldn't deal with grieving again, I couldn't deal with the torment, I didn't want my daughters first memories of her mum to be that of sadness, so I bottled it for absolutely years, all of it, just pushed it down, compartmentalised and bottled it up.
When id hear a song or saw someone looked similar or a certain smell, my grief would try to come up but id check myself and go, Jody no time to grieve atm, put your sadness away.
SUPER UNHEALTHY BTW, DON'T DO THAT!
We go on living, building a life, my daughter is now almost thirteen and we get a call, Uncle Phil won't make it through the night.
I loved Uncle Phil so very much, my daughter loved him, we had not long ago celebrated his birthday and now he was dying!
We rushed to QLD so we could say our goodbyes, we had only just got there in time, I hated seeing him hooked up to all those machines, he wasn't awake but I know he could hear us saying goodbye, it was the first time since my Grandmother that I had the chance to say goodbye and i was grateful for that opportunity,
That night Uncle Phil died, I stayed with my big sister and her hubby so we could mourn our loss and spend time with family.
Uncle Phil was larger than life he was my dads brother, so every time I was around him it felt like I was around my dad.
I allowed myself to feel the grief but also celebrate the amazing life he had, I could hear his voice at his funeral, he would always say "Don't mind the bullshit" it meant, don't sweat the small stuff or the shit situations you have better things to do.
We still to this day use that saying, his funeral whilst being sad, it was also a chance to remember him and celebrate him, it was my daughters first loss that she could remember and that was tough to watch, but being around family and laughing about Uncle Phil's antics and the larican he was helped us all a lot, the chance to say goodbye truly helped me.
I still to this day smile when I remember him and we still talk fondly of him especially whenever we are in QLD.
He was truly special to us and his loss is still greatly felt.
As the years have passed, I knew I hadn't dealt with all of my grief, it was just to hard, I just felt I had to keep on pushing through, I couldn't show my sadness to anyone.
Twenty Fourth of March Twenty Twenty Two, my big sister calls, my foster brother had been killed in a motorbike accident, I was at a dance event at the time, pretty much in shock, they had just had a baby.
I got off the call and said to myself you can grieve later, get back in there and put your game face on, yeah that didn't work as soon as I saw my friend Rowie I fell to pieces, she took me outside while I hyperventilated and eventually pulled myself together, I went home and told my family.
I just couldn't seem to understand, it still haunts me today but I couldn't go to the funeral, actually any funeral since my uncles, I get panic attacks, I sit outside the church and hyperventilate or I retreat to a place of silence and sit alone.
I just couldn't deal anymore, I cant go to funerals even after the loss of my beautiful cousin this year and I judge myself for that.
I am slowly healing and dealing but it's a lot of grief to deal with.
Grief is often associated with people dying and in my case, there was a lot of my family dying and it was an incomprehensible the trauma this brought on and into my life.
Grief can also be the loss of a marriage, the loss of friendship, the loss of a job or the loss of a community and much more.
Noone's grief or loss is greater than anyone else's, the biggest grief is your own.
I then lost my marriage, the thing honestly that got me through that loss was the friendship my ex husband and I retain, it has been a blessing and continues to be a light in my life.
I lost a community which I loved so dearly, I was embedded in this community, it brought me so much joy and purpose to my life, then one day it was just taken away from me, I still haven't fully comprehended or grieved that loss.
I lost what I thought was two great friendships, they were no longer in my life and I was devastated.
Suddenly all that grief and loss I'd pushed down and denied for so many years was coming up and like a boiling pot it was boiling over it wasn't going to stop.
I was forced to deal with all of it head on!
I withdrew from everyone, whilst I educated myself on loss, on grief and on grieving.
I cried every single day, forced myself to go to catch ups but I wasn't present at all.
I knew people were worried about me and let me tell you I was worried about me.
I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to make it through, but with great loss, comes a strength you never knew you had.
I had lost a lot yes but I also had a lot of amazing people and things in my life,
I owed it to them and my stubborn nature to let the grief fully in and find ways to cope with it in a healthy manner.
I would be honest with people and say "Hey not coping today, I can't leave my house."
Then I would go back into my shell and study and find the tools to deal.
I then finally open those wounds, seen them for what they were, remembered everyone I had lost and not to see it as a negative anymore but see myself as living not just for myself but for them, the life they didn't get the honour of living everyday.
It no longer brings me pain to hear their names or see their faces in pictures.
Instead I took a happy memory of each of them and put it on a wall in my mind, now when I hear the song, smell the smell, see their faces, I remember that memory and smile.
Finding ways to heal and live with grief isn't easy but for my own mental state and to live my best life, the life I was gifted, I knew I had to and as hard as it was, those friends walking out of my life was the last crack causing my grief wall to break and for that I will be forever grateful as I wasn't fully living, I was existing and now I am living.
You will find your own way to live with your grief but please know you are not alone,
I will provide some information for understanding grief and how to heal and live with your grief, I say live with it because the loss is forever embedded in your soul but it doesn't need to be a burden on your life.
Also don't let anyone tell you, "It's been years shouldn't you be over it by now".
Grieving has it's own schedule, so tell those people to go bleep themselves!
Grief and dopamine, I know usually we relate dopamine to pleasure and reward but believe it or not, dopamine is vital to grieving and here's why:
Grief and dopamine are closely connected.
Dopamine is a neurotransmitter involved in motivation, reward, anticipation, pleasure, and goal-directed behaviour.
When you experience a significant loss, your dopamine system can be affected in several ways:
During Early Grief
When someone or something important is lost, the brain may continue to "search" for what is missing.
This can create:
Intense yearning or longing
Repeated thoughts about the person or loss
Strong urges to reconnect
Emotional highs and lows
Research suggests that in some forms of grief, brain regions associated with reward and attachment remain active when reminders of the lost person are encountered.
The brain is essentially struggling to adapt to the absence of someone who was deeply woven into its reward and attachment systems.
Why Motivation Often Drops
Many grieving people notice:
Reduced energy
Lack of interest in hobbies
Difficulty concentrating
Less motivation to pursue goals
Part of this may be related to decreased dopamine activity.
Activities that once felt rewarding can temporarily feel flat or meaningless because the brain's reward system is adjusting to a major life change.
Grief Isn't Just Sadness
Grief can involve:
Sadness
Anger
Anxiety
Relief
Numbness
Moments of joy or laughter
Because dopamine is linked to anticipation and reward, it's common to experience periods where nothing feels rewarding, followed by unexpected moments where pleasure briefly returns.
Grief and Attachment
From an evolutionary perspective, close relationships are powerful sources of reward and safety.
When a loved one dies or a relationship ends, the brain isn't simply processing sadness—it is adapting to the loss of an attachment figure that was deeply integrated into your daily life and emotional regulation.
Supporting Dopamine During Grief
While grief cannot be "fixed" by increasing dopamine, people often find that these activities help support the brain's reward system during recovery:
Regular physical exercise
Time in nature
Social connection
Consistent sleep
Small achievable goals
Creative activities
Meaningful routines
The key is not to force happiness but to gently re-engage with activities that provide structure, connection, and purpose.
One of the more challenging aspects of grief is that it can bring an awareness of your own mortality.
The loss of someone important often prompts questions about meaning, purpose, aging, and the finite nature of life.
For many people, adapting to grief involves not only adjusting to the loss itself but also integrating these deeper realizations into their understanding of life.
People tend to grieve in different ways.
There isn't one universally accepted set of "types," but psychologists often describe several common grieving styles:
1. Intuitive Grievers
Experience grief intensely through emotions.
May cry frequently, talk about their feelings, and seek emotional support.
Often find comfort in sharing memories and expressing their pain.
2. Instrumental Grievers
Process grief more through thinking and action than emotion.
May focus on practical tasks, problem-solving, work, or projects.
Can appear less emotional, even though they are grieving deeply.
3. Blended Grievers
Show a mix of intuitive and instrumental styles.
May express emotions openly at times while also using practical coping strategies.
Other Common Grief Patterns
Anticipatory Grief
Grief that begins before a loss occurs, such as when a loved one has a terminal illness.
Complicated (Prolonged) Grief
Grief that remains intense and disruptive for a long period, making it difficult to adapt to life after the loss.
Disenfranchised Grief
Grief that is not openly acknowledged or supported by others, such as the loss of an ex-partner, pet, or a relationship that others don't recognize as significant.
Collective Grief
Grief experienced by a community or society after a shared loss or tragedy.
The Five Stages of Grief
Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross proposed:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
These are not rigid stages that everyone experiences in order.
Many people move back and forth between them or experience only some of them.
Grief is highly individual.
Two people can experience the same loss and grieve in completely different ways, and both responses can be normal.
I know the above is a lot to read and listen to but I hope in someway to helps.
Please know, even though your grief is individual you are not alone.
There is help out there and many great resources, I will attach some links below.
If you can find a grief support group in your area, please think about attending, it will be hard to talk to start with but eventually sharing will help.
If you're looking for grief support in Australia, these resources are widely used and free or low-cost:
Grief-specific support
griefline.org.au
National grief and loss support service
Telephone support: 1300 845 745
Online forums and grief resources available 24/7
Supports people grieving death, relationship loss, health changes, pet loss, life transitions, and other significant losses.
Griefline
Crisis and emotional support
lifeline.org.au
24/7 crisis support
13 11 14
Griefline
beyondblue.org.au
24/7 mental health support and counselling
1300 22 4636
ACT Government
suicidecallbackservice.org.au
24/7 counselling for people affected by suicide, including bereavement
1300 659 467
Griefline
Books and learning resources-
If you'd like to understand grief more deeply, these are often recommended: On Grief and Grieving
Finding Meaning
The Year of Magical Thinking
Online education
whatsyourgrief.com
prolongedgrief.columbia.edu
Something you need to know is that grief isn't limited to bereavement.
People can grieve the loss of a relationship, a future they expected, their health, a pet, a career, or a major life change.
The support process is often similar regardless of the type of loss.
Don't feel guilty for your grief or for grieving, but try not to sit in the grief.
What I mean by sitting in grief:
Don't sit in grief in one spot and not try to heal, it's unhealthy, healing isn't forgetting, it's dealing and living with grief in a healthy manner.
I hope my story and resources have helped.
Much love and empathy Jody
