Limerence!
I have personally been in limerence!
Let me first give you the definition of Limerence-
Limerence is an intense emotional and psychological state of infatuation.
Limerence is sometimes romantic but almost always a form of trauma bonding, which unfortunately generally stems from childhood trauma.
My Story
Limerence is one of the worst, heart wrenching, soul destroying situations I have ever been in.
It overtook my life, my mind and because I was in limerence with a narcissist, you can imagine the push pull, degrading behaviour towards me, had me going deeper into limerence and my self worth was becoming non existence.
My whole world, my whole life was around this person, now a lot of people mistake limerence as always being in a kind of obsessive romantic love, this is incorrect.
For me in particular, I wasn't in love with the person.
I was obsessed with healing and saving this person.
I saw so much potential in them and I couldn't understand why none of their relationships or friendships ever worked out, to me they were amazing.
I knew they had a very traumatic childhood and I felt so much empathy for them and this then became a trauma bond.
While normally you can empathise and have a mutual and healthy understanding of another's situation, it by all means doesn't always result in limerence or trauma bonding, especially if both people are doing the work to heal an have a healthy sense of self.
At this time in my life I had neither a good sense of self and I absolutely wasn't healed but I did have the desire to do so, until limerence smacked me down hard!
The person I was in limerence with wasn't healed, wasn't moving towards being healed and had zero sense of self......hmmmm what could go wrong!
This then became my reason for existing and whenever I got to a point where I was like "what am I doing, this is a grown adult, they need to help themselves,
i'm not living, i'm not doing my own healing, i'm not giving any attention to the family and friends who have always been there for me unconditionally, I need to stop this!"
Guess what, when I started to pull away, id get a phone call, they were feeling low and had no close friends, they went on a date and it didn't work out, they would say "Jody I don't know what id do without you" and of course once again I would get drawn back in, omg I need to save this amazing human, why doesn't anyone else see that they are amazing.
Believe me when I say people tried to tell me!
They would say this person is toxic, this person is narcissistic, they are not good for you and sadly I didn't believe them and I just pulled away and focused all of my energy on that person.
I was turning down work, I would only leave my house during their work hours, as they may call and need me.
They would do this push/pull technique where if they had a date, they would try to pick a fight with me, so I wouldn't message while they were on a date, instead of just being an adult and saying "Hey I'm going on a date, do you mind not messaging me while I'm on it.
Of course when the date went bad, id get that call and it would pull me right back in.
I knew in my heart of hearts I wasn't living!
I couldn't seem to break the cycle, I was trauma bonded and I couldn't save myself, let alone anyone else.
I didn't know I was in limerence, but desperate to understand, I started doing research on what was wrong with me, because believe me peeps, I knew something was wrong with me!
That's when I found out about limerence, it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders, I was like okay, I see what the problem is, how do I fix it.
So I started setting myself little goals, going out one night a week with friends.
Can I say thank God I don't drink, because let me tell you, id have been a mess and it would have been a lot harder for me to break the limerence and trauma bond.
The person noticed I was spending time with other friends and would tell me it was a good thing but then try to call and get upset when I wasn't available.
Thankfully they started dating someone, so I started to have my weekends back and initially it was tough for me, I was very lost as I had catered my whole world around this person and I believed we had a great friendship and I was scared of loosing that, but slowly with therapy and my own work it got easier.
About eight months had passed.
I had joined an awesome community, I was making friends, I was doing the work to find my self worth again.
I was only seeing the person a couple of times a week but they were still calling everyday, so the trauma bond wasn't broken but the limerence was whoooo finally!
Then one day I realise I had been blocked on everything, because they had moved in with their partner and decided they couldn't keep any of their old friends.
I was devasted!
I take friendship very seriously but because I was trauma bonded and I at the time had sever abandonment disorder, my gosh, the grief of the loss was almost unbearable.
Thankfully family and friends rallied around me and because I had done so much work already with breaking out of the limerence and self growth, within a month I had closure and the true healing began.
I got a job that I absolutely love, I had a great sense of self and boy did I build up some resilience.
Now when I run into this person, I feel nothing, I still want the best for them but I have no desire for them to be back in my life.
Whilst being trauma bonded and in limerence with a narcissist was a horrific year of my life, coming out of it, I have learned so much.
I thought my childhood was hell and it was, but I never dreamed as an adult, id ever go through something like that, I thought I was stronger, but sadly as someone with CPTSD and abandonment issues, I was about as vulnerable as I could have been.
But I'm here to tell you, if you feel you are in limerence, you can break it, you can heal from it and you will be stronger and wiser because of it!
Now that you have heard my story, let me break down the definition of limerence a little more and how you can break it and heal from it!
It involves:
- Obsessive thinking about another person
- Craving emotional reciprocation
- Emotional highs and lows based on their attention
- Idealizing the person
- Anxiety over rejection or uncertainty
Common Signs of Limerence:
- Constantly replaying interactions in your head
- Reading deeply into texts, looks, or even the smallest gestures
- Feeling euphoric when they respond and crushed when they don't
- Putting the person on a pedestal
- Fantasizing about future relationship
- Difficulty focusing on other parts of life
Now the above you may think, hey I felt that when I started dating someone, was that wrong?
No my friend it wasn't wrong, you do have what we call healthy limerence when you first start dating someone.
But here is the difference between limerence vs love:
Limerence Healthy Love
Driven by uncertainty and craving Vs Driven by connection & stability
Obsessive and intrusive thoughts Vs Balanced attention
Idealization of the person Vs Seeing strengths and flaws realistically
Emotional dependence on reciprocation Vs Mutual care and respect
Intense dopamine-like highs and lows Vs More steady emotional attachment
Limerence is when your trying to obtain the unattainable, it's oddly the ever presence of hope, especially if you have limerence with a narcissist.
Healthy limerence can turn into a healthy relationship or friendship and will not turn into unhealthy limerence as the object of our desire has been achieved, it is when it is not achieved it turns into obsession and unhealthy limerence.
Limerence can fade naturally as it does when your go from limerence to love or it can eventually break like in my situation, when it got to the point of me being truly unhappy and in those moments when the person wasn't in my presence, I was able to reach out and say "Hey I need help" and through my own research I was able to break the hold they had on me.
If you are struggling with limerence, here are a few tips to assist coming out of it.
For me I did a timeline on paper of our friendship and realised I was filling their cup constantly while my cup was almost always on empty and I realised they were not as amazing as I thought they were and the pedestal began to topple over.
Way's to break the limerence Hold:
- Be mindful of your actions and have self control, this is hard.... oh boy is this hard, but instead of checking their social media, go for a walk and listen to a podcast.
- Start intermittent contact, now I don't want to make light of people who struggle from addiction, if you struggle from addiction and are reading this I mean no offence, but if you are suffering from limerence, treat it like and addiction as you are addicted to a person or situation.
- You have to slowly wean yourself off them.
- Start creating distance, it will help stop your brain from reinforcing obsession
- Mute/unfollow if you can't stop checking their social media
- Limit fantasy conversations in your head, give yourself a reality check, did this really happen or did I make that up, if you start fantasising, go and do an activity or call a friend for a reality check
- Avoid seeking hidden meaning in small signals
- Do a list of what you think the relationship is and then run it by a friend for that reality check and when you see the person, have that check list and correct it when reality doesn't quiet line up with your fantasy list.
- STOP IDEALIZING THEM!
Do a list......yes I love lists lol
- What do I actually know about them?
- What flaws or incompatibilities am I ignoring?
- Am I attached to who they are or am I attached to how they make me feel?
I know I say I love my lists but writing it down or even doing mind maps actually interrupts the pedestal effect.
The mental loop keeps the attachment alive and when it's not fully one way and you also have a trauma bond with a narcissist, the cycle is soooo much harder to break but is doable, I promise, I did it and you can too.
Limerence narrows emotion focus and expanding your life weakens over time.
So wake up each day with purpose and become a little stubborn but incredibly driven to break the bond by:
- Reconnecting with friends and family
- Get therapy or counselling
- Exercise regularly.......but not obsessively
- Pursue goals that create momentum
- Meet new people, for me this was vital, but I kept them initially at arms length until I did my healing as I was scared id get limerence with someone else.
- Stop ruminating!
The goal isn't distraction only- it's rebuilding your identity outside the obsession
Recognising the emotion pattern underneath and the trauma that lead to limerence.
Last but not least peeps, give yourself time, time to heal, time to mourn and time to move on and build strength within yourself.
I hope this in someway helps you find the strength to break the limerence hold and rebuild your life.
Below is also a little video I made awhile ago on limerence.
Much love and empathy
Jody xx
