Own your shit!
What does that actually mean?
It means stop blaming and using other's, your childhood, past relationships and current situations as an excuse for your bad behaviour.
People often blame others for their own bad behaviour because it protects them from uncomfortable feelings like guilt, shame, or fear.
Accepting responsibility can be emotionally difficult, so the mind sometimes uses defence mechanisms to reduce that discomfort. This doesn't excuse harmful behaviour, but it helps explain why it happens.
Some common reasons include:
Protecting self-esteem: Admitting "I was wrong" can threaten how someone sees themselves. Blaming someone else allows them to maintain the belief that they're a good or reasonable person.
Projection: People may attribute their own unwanted thoughts, feelings, or behaviours to someone else. For example, someone who is dishonest may become unusually suspicious of others.
Avoiding accountability: Taking responsibility often means facing consequences, apologizing, or making changes. Blame can feel like an easier path.
Learned behaviour: If someone grew up in an environment where people always shifted blame, they may repeat that pattern without realizing it.
Emotional immaturity: Some people haven't developed the skills to tolerate criticism, regulate emotions, or reflect on their own actions.
Shame and trauma: For some individuals, admitting fault feels overwhelmingly threatening because of past experiences. They may instinctively become defensive, deny responsibility, or blame others to protect themselves.
It's also worth distinguishing between an explanation and an excuse. Someone's upbringing, trauma, or insecurities may explain why they blame others, but they do not excuse repeated harmful behaviour. Healthy relationships require accountability, empathy, and a willingness to repair mistakes.
When someone consistently blames everyone else, you may notice patterns such as:
They rarely apologize sincerely.
Their problems are always someone else's fault.
They justify hurtful actions instead of acknowledging them.
They make themselves the victim whenever they're challenged.
They don't seem to learn from repeated mistakes.
People who take responsibility, by contrast, tend to say things like, "I handled that badly," "I'm sorry," or "What can I do to make this right?" Those responses build trust because they show accountability.
Taking accountability and seeing it as a strength not a weakness.
Accountability is generally a sign of strength, not weakness.
Taking responsibility requires someone to tolerate discomfort. It means being able to say:
"I was wrong."
"I hurt you."
"I need to do better."
Those statements require self-awareness, emotional maturity, and confidence. They don't diminish a person—they often increase the trust others have in them.
In contrast, constantly blaming others may provide temporary relief from guilt or shame, but it usually damages relationships over time. When someone never accepts responsibility, it becomes difficult to resolve conflict because every problem is framed as someone else's fault.
Accountability also doesn't mean accepting blame for things you didn't do. Healthy accountability is about owning your part and allowing others to own theirs. In a healthy relationship, both people can acknowledge mistakes, apologize when appropriate, and work toward change.
A quote that captures this idea is:
"Accountability is the foundation of trust. Without it, apologies become words instead of change."
For relationships especially, people are usually looking less for perfection than for someone who can admit mistakes, learn from them, and make genuine efforts to do better. That willingness is often what strengthens a relationship after conflict.
My Story
Definitely early on in my marriage, I never wanted to do anything wrong and went into defence mode when i did, this didn't come from a place of arrogance or narcissism but more out of fear, fear my husband would see I was weak, fear he would see that i have flaws, fear of being vulnerable, btw my husband never made me feel this way it was absolutely all in my head and yes it absolutely stemmed from my childhood but i knew i needed to change this and what better way to initiate change then in a safe and secure environment, i just had to convince myself I was in a safe and secure environment.
I needed our daughter to grow up knowing you can make mistakes, you just need to own them and change your behaviour and actions and today as she is now an adult, she is great at owning her shit.
So often in my life i encounter people who don't own their shit, i mean we all encounter them right. Sadly for those with anti-social personality disorder, it would be a fair struggle for them to own their shit as their brain simply doesn't work that way but not impossible with alot of work and i used to make alot of excuses and allowances for certain people's behaviour due to this, before it simply became unhealthy to have them in my life.
I had a friend who just never owned their shit but claimed they always did, one day i had the courage to pull them up on it and laid out their bad behaviour in front of them and still they made up excuses, it became such a common occurrence and honestly made me genuinely sad as i could see good in them but they just blamed others, situations etc on why they had to do what they did, so I couldn't have them in my life anymore either, as I was on my healing journey and didn't have space for toxicity anymore.
Look I'm not saying i'm perfect, almost two years ago now, my behaviour was terrible, I was in limerence, depression and trauma bonded but i ignored messages, calls, bailed on catch ups and when i did catch i was there in person but not in spirit. I could tell I was projecting my depressive mood and anxiety on others and I knew I had to fix it. Once i got through it and did self reflection, i was like shit Jody your behaviour was appalling and whilst the situation i was in explains my actions, it is not an excuse for them, therefore i went on an apology tour and I meant my apologies and i absolutely changed my behaviour.
We are all vulnerable to getting caught up and going in defence mode but taking that moment, that breath, that pause to say to yourself hmm is this on me, did i do the right thing here and if the answer is no, then own it and fix it.
Communication in any relationship is key and if you are forever placing the blame on the other person, then the relationship will never work out, not only that but it's a form of manipulation and abuse.
It's vital in everyday life that we be humble and take accountability and own our shit.
I know even in my work, i approach my rulings with a air of humbleness, I have read the rules more than once but i am still human and in the chaos of a game sometimes i may rule wrong.
If it's an issue that i haven't come up against before and i can't recall the rule off the top of my head, I'll actually say, hey guy's I haven't come up against this before, to continue the flow of the game I am going to make a ruling and then go and check the rule book and come back and let you know if i have ruled right or let you know the proper rule. By having this approach i'm owning the fact i may not know the rule and i may be ruling wrong and by going to check the rule and coming back i'm taking accountability for my actions. The words you say and the approach you take towards people, can make all difference in how they react, being humble isn't being weak, it's saying i'm no better than you, I see you and I respect you.
What happens when you don't own your shit, you start projecting it onto others!
Projection is a psychological defence mechanism where a person attributes their own thoughts, feelings, motives, or behaviour's to someone else instead of recognizing them in themselves.
For example:
Someone who is lying frequently, accuses their partner of being dishonest.
A person who feels angry insists that everyone else is hostile toward them.
Projection often happens unconsciously. It can help a person avoid feelings like guilt, shame, fear, or insecurity by placing those uncomfortable feelings onto someone else.
It's important to distinguish projection from a genuine concern. If someone has evidence for their suspicions, that's different from repeatedly making accusations that mainly reflect their own unresolved issues.
Projection can occur in anyone, especially during times of stress. However, it is also commonly associated with certain personality disorders, including some forms of narcissism, where accepting personal flaws or mistakes can feel threatening to a person's self-image.
In relationships, projection can be particularly damaging because it:
Creates confusion and self-doubt in the other person.
Prevents the person projecting from taking accountability.
Leads to repeated conflict and mistrust.
Makes healthy communication much more difficult.
Projection is often one of the reasons accountability becomes so difficult. If someone consistently projects, admitting wrongdoing would require them to face the very feelings they're trying to avoid, so blame gets shifted onto others instead.
So peeps to summarize Owning your shit means acknowledging your actions, choices, and behaviour without excuses, blame, or deflection. Taking responsibility means recognizing the impact you've had on others, making amends where possible, and committing to doing better in the future.
A simple way to put it is: Maturity isn't never making mistakes. It's having the courage to admit them, learn from them, and change your behaviour accordingly. Owning your shit is replacing excuses with accountability and blame with self-reflection.
Thankyou everyone for reading or listening I hope my blog helps you on your healing and growing journey. Much love and empathy Jody
